HOPE

Well here I am on the end of another miscarriage... We found out we were expecting in March and were super excited. It was a long journey to get there and we were hopeful that this one would be different. We had been told by so many people that it is really common for a woman to have at least one miscarriage in her reproductive years, so we hoped ours was out of the way. Apparently that isn't the case for us....



We had our first appointment on April 6th. I was sooooo nervous. Based on our dates at that time we thought we were 8 weeks along. That is around the time I miscarried last time so I was bracing myself for bad news. To my excitement there was a strong heartbeat! However, based on the size the Dr. put me at only 6 1/2 weeks. They told me the fact there was a heartbeat is a very good sign and that 95% of all pregnancies that show a heartbeat go on to be completely normal. It was such a relief and we really felt like we could start to let ourselves get excited. We scheduled our next appointment for 4weeks later, and since it was so early they were going to do another ultrasound at that appointment as well. Yay!



That 4 weeks was quite the roller coaster. Some days I was so confident that everything was going to be fine. Afterall, there was a heartbeat, right? I couldn't wait to find out what we were having. I was starting to think about how I wanted the baby's room to be. We already have the names picked out. That's what you are supposed to do right? Other days I reminded myself that anything could happen and to prepare myself for the worst. Apparently I should have listened to myself.



The Thursday before my Tuesday appointment I started to have some spotting. I panicked! This was not a good sign. Levi and I rushed down to my clinic because we were really concerned, especially after what happened last time. I have to say, I was really disappointed with the receptionist and the nurses. They totally blew us off and acted like I was just another paranoid expecting mother. They told us that some spotting was completely normal. No need to worry. If I "really wanted" to I could have them draw some blood that day and on Saturday and they could check my hormone levels. However, they wouldn't have the results until Monday morning. We thought about it and decided that we would listen to them. I felt if we were going to have to wait it out until Monday, we might as well wait until our Tuesday appointment when we would have another ultrasound. You know, I really should have listened to myself. I know my body. Last time I miscarried, I had no signs, no spotting, no cramping, nothing. The only way we knew about it was from the ultrasound. This time I should have insisted on an ultrasound, even if we went to instacare or the emergency room. Something was not right. But I let them make me believe that I was just being paranoid. (I mean honestly, how can we pregnant women be so disruptive to their daily schedules!)



So we waited through the weekend. We went in on Tuesday morning trying to be positive and stay hopeful. I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. After waiting 20 min. for the Dr. come in, we got ready for the ultrasound. At that point, deep down, I knew. I was just bracing myself for the bad news. Once again there was no heartbeat. For some reason, not even a week after my first appointment, it all stopped. It only grew to 7 weeks and 1day. I went on for almost a whole month with no sign of miscarriage.



What really bothers me is that the Dr. just seemed to blow it off as well. To me it is obvious there is something going on here. Both pregnancies failed around the same time (the first was estimated at around 8 weeks, the second at 7 weeks). I was oblivious to both, seeing as how I had no cramping or signs or miscarriage. There has to be a reason I can't stay pregnant. But my Dr. told me that if she referred me to a specialist, they wouldn't do anything because it has "only" been 2, not 3. Seriously? I have to go through this another time until someone will investigate what is going on? I am seriously thinking of getting another opinion. There has to be something going on.



Right now I can't even address the emotional side of all of this. I have kind of been trying to block it out of my mind until I can deal with it constructively. It is not fun.



To top off my horrible week, my sister got married two days later. I had every intention of going and just trying to power through it, but I ended up not going. I just couldn't handle talking about it yet and I knew my family would want to express their condolences. I didn't want to be a bawling mess at what was to be a celebration for my sister and her new husband. I know I will forever regret missing that special day for her, but I just know I was not strong enough.



I also know we will make it through this. That there is an answer out there for us. We just don't know what our path will be yet. Somehow, and I don't know how, I still have HOPE.