A not so very Happy Birthday.

The last couple of months have been quite the roller coaster. At the end of September we found out that I was pregnant. It was such exciting news and I couldn't have been happier. It just all seemed to be working out perfectly. We decided to not tell everyone until after our first visit.

Well, needless to say, the time dragged and dragged until Oct. 30th, when we could go to the doctor and have our first ultrasound. I don't think I will ever forget the moment that the Dr. told us that she was sorry but there was no heartbeat. It was absolutely devastating. It was so weird because my body was telling me that I was still pregnant, but I wasnt'. Since my body did not pass the baby on it's own I had to schedule an emergency D&C. The soonest that they could get me in was Nov. 3, which happens to be my birthday. Not so much fun.

I went in and the procedure went well. I am pretty much healed physically, but I don't know about emotionally. I didn't know I could have such a range of emotions. I know that these things happen for a reason. I know that at least now I know that I can get pregnant. And I know that it will happen again when the time is right. I have had some good days where I feel okay, and then I have days like today, where I am totally emotional and just feel like having a good cry. I have never known such disappointment and loss. At least I know it will get better. This is just a process I have to go through.

I have to say that I couldn't have gone through this without Levi. He has been my rock. He has taken care of me and looked after my every need. The thing that kills me is the fact that I know he is disappointed too, and then he has to worry about me on top of everything else. All I know is I couldn't have made it through this without him.

I am also so grateful for all my family and friends who have all been so supportive. It really has helped to have you all there for me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

This has been a really challenging experience. However, I think it has made me stronger, and someday I am sure I will be able to think back on this and understand why these things happen. I also have a lot of hope that we will become parents when the time is right. I can hardly wait and really look forward to it. Plus I can't wait to see Levi as a Daddy. He will be so cute!