HOPE

Well here I am on the end of another miscarriage... We found out we were expecting in March and were super excited. It was a long journey to get there and we were hopeful that this one would be different. We had been told by so many people that it is really common for a woman to have at least one miscarriage in her reproductive years, so we hoped ours was out of the way. Apparently that isn't the case for us....



We had our first appointment on April 6th. I was sooooo nervous. Based on our dates at that time we thought we were 8 weeks along. That is around the time I miscarried last time so I was bracing myself for bad news. To my excitement there was a strong heartbeat! However, based on the size the Dr. put me at only 6 1/2 weeks. They told me the fact there was a heartbeat is a very good sign and that 95% of all pregnancies that show a heartbeat go on to be completely normal. It was such a relief and we really felt like we could start to let ourselves get excited. We scheduled our next appointment for 4weeks later, and since it was so early they were going to do another ultrasound at that appointment as well. Yay!



That 4 weeks was quite the roller coaster. Some days I was so confident that everything was going to be fine. Afterall, there was a heartbeat, right? I couldn't wait to find out what we were having. I was starting to think about how I wanted the baby's room to be. We already have the names picked out. That's what you are supposed to do right? Other days I reminded myself that anything could happen and to prepare myself for the worst. Apparently I should have listened to myself.



The Thursday before my Tuesday appointment I started to have some spotting. I panicked! This was not a good sign. Levi and I rushed down to my clinic because we were really concerned, especially after what happened last time. I have to say, I was really disappointed with the receptionist and the nurses. They totally blew us off and acted like I was just another paranoid expecting mother. They told us that some spotting was completely normal. No need to worry. If I "really wanted" to I could have them draw some blood that day and on Saturday and they could check my hormone levels. However, they wouldn't have the results until Monday morning. We thought about it and decided that we would listen to them. I felt if we were going to have to wait it out until Monday, we might as well wait until our Tuesday appointment when we would have another ultrasound. You know, I really should have listened to myself. I know my body. Last time I miscarried, I had no signs, no spotting, no cramping, nothing. The only way we knew about it was from the ultrasound. This time I should have insisted on an ultrasound, even if we went to instacare or the emergency room. Something was not right. But I let them make me believe that I was just being paranoid. (I mean honestly, how can we pregnant women be so disruptive to their daily schedules!)



So we waited through the weekend. We went in on Tuesday morning trying to be positive and stay hopeful. I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. After waiting 20 min. for the Dr. come in, we got ready for the ultrasound. At that point, deep down, I knew. I was just bracing myself for the bad news. Once again there was no heartbeat. For some reason, not even a week after my first appointment, it all stopped. It only grew to 7 weeks and 1day. I went on for almost a whole month with no sign of miscarriage.



What really bothers me is that the Dr. just seemed to blow it off as well. To me it is obvious there is something going on here. Both pregnancies failed around the same time (the first was estimated at around 8 weeks, the second at 7 weeks). I was oblivious to both, seeing as how I had no cramping or signs or miscarriage. There has to be a reason I can't stay pregnant. But my Dr. told me that if she referred me to a specialist, they wouldn't do anything because it has "only" been 2, not 3. Seriously? I have to go through this another time until someone will investigate what is going on? I am seriously thinking of getting another opinion. There has to be something going on.



Right now I can't even address the emotional side of all of this. I have kind of been trying to block it out of my mind until I can deal with it constructively. It is not fun.



To top off my horrible week, my sister got married two days later. I had every intention of going and just trying to power through it, but I ended up not going. I just couldn't handle talking about it yet and I knew my family would want to express their condolences. I didn't want to be a bawling mess at what was to be a celebration for my sister and her new husband. I know I will forever regret missing that special day for her, but I just know I was not strong enough.



I also know we will make it through this. That there is an answer out there for us. We just don't know what our path will be yet. Somehow, and I don't know how, I still have HOPE.

Blah-g!

Nothing new to report... just checking in. We are doing good. I figured it was past due to do another post... Blah, blah, blah!



Well, come to think of it, I suppose there have been a few developments. During the Olympics our TV was pretty much always tuned in to watch the games. While watching, we caught a few rounds of curling. I had never really taken a moment to understand the rules and watch how it is played. I started thinking that it looked kind of fun! Well I got online to see if there were any local curling clubs and it so happens that the Cache Valley Stone Society was just gearing up for the season! They had a clinic on Monday night so Levi and I decided to go check it out. We really had a good time! We got to try all the aspects of curling. It takes practice to get good at it, but it isn't too hard to catch on! I didn't even fall on the ice (although there were a few near misses)! One thing I really like about it is that strategy is large part of the game. Levi of course picked up on it right away. He beats me at EVERYTHING! Gah! He did say he was surprised at how well I picked it up though (I think that was a compliment?).We are trying to decide if we should join the league.... so stay tuned!



I am anxiously awaiting spring! I need to feel the sun on my face! I need to feel the promise of no snow in the air! I need the beautiful blossoms! I need, need, need spring to get me out of this slump! Oh fair spring... please don't keep my devoted heart waiting much longer! I can't wait to snuggle up with you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear! I wait with bated breath for you and only you! XOXOXO P.S. I love you!

Talisman

Okay, so I am aware that I am a total killjoy. What a bummer my last post was! Well no new news to report.. So on and so forth! Christmas was simply fabulous despite my morose attitude. We went down and stayed with my parents in Utah county. We played lots of games, got lots of Addy time, and just generally enjoyed everyone's company. Unfortunately Levi injured his knee Christmas eve while we were delivering Sub for Santa gifts. He is still going to physical therapy and we will know next week if he has to get an MRI. No good deed goes unpunished! Christmas day we went to Gran & Gramps' house for a delicious dinner. It is always so nice to see them. I have set a new goal to go down and see them once a month. Time is of the essence and Gran is my kindred spirit!


I have adopted a new talisman. I try to wear it daily. I found it on the therhouse etsy shop. It just really spoke to me of the importance of hope and courage. I need to stay hopeful and positive with myself. That is what keeps me going. I also need the courage to go on when my hope is not fulfilled. I need the courage to make those decisions that are maybe a little scary. I need to have the courage to stay hopeful that is for sure!

I need to get me one of these! Isn't she precious? I just adore her and had so much fun cuddling her over the holiday break!

Ebenezer, you are my kind of man!

Bah-freaking-humbug! Isn't it horrible? I am most definitely not in the Christmas spirit this year. It's weird, I want to be in the spirit, but I'm just not. I really know that I have so much to be grateful for. I have a good job and work with wonderful people. I have amazing friends. My family is awesome. My husband is my best friend. I have a roof over my head. And yet, I am in a funk. A baby funk. Instead of a monkey on my back I have a big giant BABY on my back. I know I am supposed to be patient. I try to have a positive attitude about it all. I know that nobody wants to hear a big whiner. But right now it seems that all the world is pregnant or has a baby. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason and when this is all over I will know why I had to have this trial. But that doesn't always help in the here and now. I feel totally crazy because I want it so bad. It is biological I tell you! I am trying to have hope and be positive, relax and not obsess. All I have to say is that it's a good thing that last year I didn't know I would still be at square one a year later. Right now all I have is hope. That's it. Plain and simple. So there you have it. I have effectively vented. They don't call it a Pity Patty Party for nothing!

You make me wanna shoop... shoop shoop ba-doop

Wait... Not this Salt n' Pepa!

This is the Salt n' Pepper I'm talkin about!

The two little girls in the front are my cousin Misha and me. That's right Mish & Trish a.k.a. the ORIGINAL Salt n' Pepper! We are 2 weeks apart in age and we were inseparable whenever we could be together. We have so many hilarious memories. I will always treasure the weeks during the summer that I would go stay at Aunt Suz & Uncle Joe's and Mish and I would play, play, play. I just love Mish, she is so fun to be around.

Misha lives down in St. George with her little wild bunch! Cutest. Kids. Ever!!! Well my mom, my sisters, and I all decided to take a little getaway to St. George and have a girl's weekend. It was so much fun! Misha has a beautiful home and is the hostess-with-the-mostess. She just makes everyone feel comfortable and want to stay there forever!

We drove down on Friday afternoon and had plans to see Annie at Tuacahn (total diasappointment by the way). We pulled into town, freshened up, picked up Janalee, and went to dinner. (Salt & Pepper in the center!)

Here is Mom, Cic, Addy, & Mish @ Annie. The show itself was okay. The biggest problem was the sound was too high. Everyone was mic'ed and they were still trying to project as if they weren't. I'm sorry, but there is nothing more ear piercing than 25 prepubescent little girls screeching into a microphone.

On Saturday Mish's kids all had soccer games, so Mom & Janalee went shopping, Leah & I watched Lexi's soccer game, & Cic stayed home and watched the 3 toddlers (what a brave girl)!

Then we decided to cool off by taking the kids to the pool. It was so much fun. I intend on taking my future kids swimming often. LOVED IT *in a sing-song voice*!

Here, Cic, Craig, & I are playing ring around the rosies with Sami, Jax, & Beck. They were soo cute! Addy would rather be lounged out than anywhere near the water. I can't blame her. It was pretty chilly at first!

Later that night we decided to go get some YUMMY food at a place called Haven. MMMM. It's kind of home cooking with a twist. They also have delicious desserts, like deep fried oreos and homemade sugar doughnuts. They also have really cute decor. Our pics really don't do it justice. If you are in the area, you should really check it out, they do have a website at havencuisine.com. It is an experience!

Overall, it was a really fun weekend. I didn't want it to end. St. George is beautiful. Mish has some amazing views, and I could have just sat and chilled at her place for at least a week. I didn't get nearly enough sleep, and for good reason! I just didn't want any of the fun to end. Now that fall is settling in... ugh, I am already fantasizing about returning to our little getaway in the desert! Thanks Mish for being such an amazing cousin and friend! I will always have a special place in my heart for you! And you make me wanna Shoop!

Take me to Vegas, I'm on a roll...

Can you believe it? Two posts in 2 days?! Incredible, I know. This one is only to do a little bragging. Before the arrival of cute little miss Addy, I "slaved" away and made a quilt for her. I wanted something that wasn't too "babyish" and that she could grow up dragging around with her. I have to say I am pretty proud of how cute it came out! And then Leah has to go and upstage me with making Addy so cute.... Sheesh! Can't a girl ever come out ahead?

P.S. No, Leah doesn't stuff her baby into the corner of the crib. The baby in this picture is a fake... it threw me off at first too :)!

Leah was nice enough to model it for me. You can't tell here but she was 9+ months pregnant, and it was a long, HOT, active weekend! (She was even running around playing yard games, the crazy woman!!! When I am 9 months pregnant I am taking full advantage of it!)

Promises, promises...

Yeah. So I kind of still totally slacked in the blogging department. What can I say? Perfection has never been something I claim to be! This summer has been super busy and I have had plenty to do. My house is definitely evidence of this. It is a disaster area! But at least I can call it my own! One of our major projects this summer was to refinish our hardwoods. They are original and

needed a little TLC. These are after we sanded them down. I was too embarrassed to show how bad they looked before, hence no "Before" picture. Just use your imagination... 3 dogs + wood floors= one heck of a scratched up floor!

It took us most of the weekend and the dogs were not so happy to be locked out (They could use a lot more of it, if you ask me!), but after all was said and done, we are pretty happy with the results.

Now I just have to get my dogs acclimated to wearing booties around my house!